Merdeka!

i feel compelled to write my piece on independence since this year marks the 50th year of our country's Independence from colonization. i've always felt that 'merdeka' means to have one's choice. although we're far from the permissive society like the west, women have taken a great share of accountability, respectability and responsibility in this country. it's all back to having been able to make your own choices in life.

on a personal note, i've been very free to make my own choices in marriage and career as i see them coming. i've been labelled stubborn and (may be) stupid whenever my choices were far away from the expectations of my family. i've been accused of selfishness, broke my parents' heart without a by-your-leave, caused a dent in siblingship, but i chose them anyway. i was not afraid of failure or losing. i just put my feet down and jammed on the accelerator, forth forward. it may be due to the impressional age and the environment which played a large part in my decisions.

i agree that i've mad countless mistakes, some have cost me wasted years, money, time, emotions but also there were some gratifying moments. my children, for instance are examples to show how my choice was blessed. the silver lining in the horizon was of course my miserable marriages, my emotional instability and my inarguably need to please and find reassurance. the latter could derive from the years away from my family when i had full residential schooling where the rule of thumb was you had to strive to be the best, well liked and most popular to gain attention.

while slipping from my teenage years to adolescent to a mature 20's and 30's years, my choices in life have been modified by previous experiences. i may not be that aggressive or so firm in my decisions anymore. i think it was high time to regain parental and familial blessing, less self-centred, think of my children more. therein lies a big dilemma in which i have to juggle in my career and future at the same time. some of life's choices at the moment are truly challenging to my noble intentions. i believe i have met my partner in life, which needs a lot of work to convince my family of my choice. i have to consider his presence in my planned future, or may be because of him i'm planning a future? i have to make decisions, i have to snap out of this melancholic rut and contemplate some fast decisions. i haven't been able to grasp back my usual self-assured and confident nature....

Choices, that's what being independent means!