Too good to be true

may be once or twice in your lifetime
you get what you want
what you really wish for
and you want to clasp it near you
you want to make it forever yours
for fear if you let go
it will be forever gone

once in your lifetime
you meet your soul partner
out of time
out of nowhere
out of your wildest imagination

just bear in mind
on the face of God's earth
nothing or no one really belongs to a mortal
a temporary solution
to test your sincerity
your allegiance
to the Most Beneficient and the Most Merciful

some things are too good to be true
they are bound to be taken away
like an illusion
in the cold light of the day
God may test you yet again....

a harsh reminder
not all that you want
is best for you
and all that you detest
probably works for you in the long run
for God's ways
are twisted
and beyond our contemplation
a fate to encounter
a mystery to all

so be sincere
be honest
when you hand over your fate
into God's hands
pray that He leads you to the rightful path
the least hurtful to your soul
to allow you a drop of happiness
in an ocean of misery
for with Him lie all that's good and permanent

Hari Raya 2006 pictures

2 Syawal 2006

Ya Allah Yang Maha Besar
Aku hambaMu yang bodoh lagi lemah
Aku yang begitu jahil di sisi kebijaksaaan milikMu
tidakku punya akal untuk melihat perkara mendatang
hanya kepadaMu aku berserah

Sesungguhnya Ya Allah
aku akur akan kebesaran kuasaMu
jika Kau mahu matahari terbit di ufuk barat
tenggelam di ufuk timur
maka akan jadilah ia

Ya Allah yang Maha Mengasihani
aku hambaMu yang sangat mengharap
kurniakan sedikit kebahagiaan di duniaMu yang fana ini
hikmahkan kepada hambaMu yang hina ini
belas dan ikhsan dari limpahan kasihMu
telah lama hambaMu ini dicuba
dengan dugaanMu yang maha berat

Aku pasrah sujud di kakiMu...
Ya Allah Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.

A Meaningful Ramadhan

Today will be the last day of Ramadhan 2006. i welcomed this holy month of Ramadhan with an unusual zest. may be the joyous spirit came from somewhere deep within me which i wasnt aware of before. it emerged and blossomed turning this Ramadhan into a very meaningful holy month. as the song from Raihan goes:

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini sungguh makna
Agar dapat kulalui dengan sempurna
Selangkah demi selangkah...

the philosophy behind Ramadhan is nothing new to me. has been hammered into me since i was taught the fundamentals of Islam, its teachings, the 5 pillars and i began fasting as early as 7 years. as i started to have family, the usual practice during Ramadhan is more or less accustomed to the way of the head of the family practises, hence it largely depended on my husband.

our usual practice during previous Ramadhans went something like this - we usually had sahur at 5 am (meals prepared by my maid Rudy) and we usually went to sleep again, sometimes waking up late for the Subuh prayers (shamefully i admit sometimes we missed). and then the fasting and breaking up of the fast, as usual is a big ceremony of stuffing yourself like you wont see another morsel of food the next 10 years! after the huge meal, we would be too full to go to the tarawih prayers. my husband usually gave it a miss. initially i went with Aiza & Nur, but after a while going alone often raised eyebrows (may be it was only my illusion) then i stopped going at all.

if anyone could have seen me this time, they will say like "dah buang tebiat dia ni", because i could feel this difference with us (my husband and i). i never missed the tarawih prayers, if i didnt go to the mosque, i would do it at home, plus other sunnat prayers. the book "Himpunan Sembahyang Sunat" which i bought a few years back was put to full use. we would often wake up early hours to do more sunnat prayers. from sunat taubat, to tahajjjud, hajat, tasbih, and istikharah, i tried to do all. i tried as hard as i might not to go to sleep again after sahur, but watched the many religious forum (al kuliyyah), motivation talks, etc which the the TV stations broadcast everyday. our meals were also prepared in a moderate way, i tried to contain myself from buying so much dishes which usually end up in the bin anyway. so how that's different this time. even my husband commented the other day, "this is the most different Ramadhan".

for this Raya celebration, as usual we will spend it in Kelantan. which is no difference from the previous years. despite my mum being ill, as i have often reminded my husband that he should consider celebrating it with my family in KL this year because this could be our last Raya with her, he remained silent and stubborn. or when he was more exasperated, he exclaimed "you can go back on your own, just leave the kids behind." ok, i'll not dwell on that... a totally different subject matter.

i called mak last night and in her weakened state, she admitted that she cant prepare the raya meals. usually she would make the ketupat or the ketupat pulut (for her son-in-law), rendang ayam and daging and her famous sambal kacang. so this year my Akak from Kuantan will be cooking for the family instead. as usual Musa and his family will come back for the occassion. Tapa, Munshi and Dyla will also be spending with my parents, then taking off to their spouses' destination (Ulu Yam, Mentakab and Melaka).it has been so long since i celebrated with my siblings and parents that if i were given the chance, i would be so totally out of element among them. anyway, no use to ponder about that because i dont know whether that time will ever arrive.

some Hari raya wishes from me;
- To Akak and Ust Nurdin; Muaz, Nabila and Muzammil
- To Musa and Umi; Hakimi, Kida and Shikin
- To OD and Abg Mat; Anis, Anas and Ami
- To Tapa and Dis; Ashraf, Ikhsan and Caca
- To Munshi and Ayu; Muhaimin and Aina
- To Dyla and Ery; Sharmaine and Adam
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri and Maaf Zahir Batin from Mak Uda & Pak Uda; Nur, Aiza and Aidid.

"Di hari raya
terkenang daku kepada si dia
kampung ku hijau nan jauh di mata
ayah serta bondaku ...."

Dendang Perantau (a perfect song for people like me).

FAQ

how can you hope something so right could start from something so wrong,
how can a lifetime of joy and bliss be expected out of an unblessed sanction,
how does a disobedient child be hopeful for an obedient daughter,
how could something so beautiful turn so ugly,
how do you salvage a failing constitution,
how do you heal a broken heart,
what do you do to broken promises, and a life full of disillusion and betrayal,
what do you do to save a crumbling dream,
do you wonder at what might have happened,
do you want to take up where was left off,
do you want to own up to failure,
do you have reasons to be strong,

do you want to go on....

Sense of despair

it has been a long, long time.... since the last update. now that this blog is treated as a cyber-diary, it's really difficult to find time and effort to update.

the latest would be - the episode where my mum got sick. since both my parents have never fallen seriously ill before, it created quit an alarm to all of us. i've just landed my feet from Sydney and had to rush back to Kuala Lumpur after hearing the news that she was too weak to even sit up and unable to eat anything.

i was glad to hear that all my siblings who lived far and near had responded to the call of distress. my eldest sister from Kuantan and my elder brother from Johor had already been with her earlier. all the rest who stayed near and around KL had gone to visit. thank you very much to Dis (tapa's wife)for providing help and attention to both abah and mak, Munshi & Ayu, Dyla & Ery, Ody & Abg Mat who have been there with our parents. while my family and I are too far away to provide care and attention on daily basis, we are only able to pray for their best.

i hope mak will slowly regain her health. i love you too much, mak. i dont want to lose you, ever....