Just can't get over it

i still can't get over the memories of my mum and her passing... i still am in some sort of a denial state. it's still so hard to accept the fact that she's never gonna be there anymore.

A Mum ... she's always there, you know. right from the beginning of you, she carried you in her womb for 9 months, completely sheltering you in her body, providing the essence, the nourishment, the bones and flesh that makes you.

after giving birth(that's another excruciating moments for her.. if you had ever given birth, then you would know. otherwise you'd have thought it was easy labor -- push, push... and the baby comes out!).

during your growing up years, she was there to undergo the trials and tribulation of handling your years or rebellion, while you develop your own person and in the process saw through all your mistakes and how you come out of it.

then the 20's and 30's something of your years where you make more mistakes and derive some success, however big or just minimal, you know that she would always be there for you. that's a MUM for you, no rooms for more capital letters, it surpasses all of that in this world and beyond. and the fact is, my mum was all that and more.

to this date i'd still remember her words on 'not mingling too much' or just minding your own business was still the best policy in life. ok, she lived in the city of Kuala Lumpur, you would expect a city dweller to say that. but in Bandar Tun razak, which is as much as a kampung, by a standard of living, there was aaways rooms for envy, jealousy and stabbing in the back occuring, rivalling a soap opera. but my mun, she always stayed clear of gossipping. "Mak paling takut kalau orang datang rumah, nak cakap apa-apa pasal keluarga, atau anak-anak", fearing the worst. so i guess, that's one policy i will always abide by.

my mum has lived in difficulty most of her life (and till her end). she was brought up by my grandmother (read my earlier posting), who would be no easy character to live with. when she married my father, he was just a labourer, working at an ice company in sungai besi. she delivered 3 babies and they moved to the squatters area at Kampung Seri Medan @ Kg Konggo. there they moved 2-3 times, as most squatters did. she delivered another 3 babies, including myself. i still remember accompanying her to the woods to look for kayu api for cooking. we reared our own chickens and slaughtered them for hari raya, after an afternoon of trying to capture these ahthletic animals! we used well water and diving in the pond was a good exposure at swimming for my brothers and sisters. never you mind what sort of organisms they ingested in those ponds!

when we went collecting kangkung and daun tempe, we were hounded by the dogs, whern we learnt to make the run of our lives! my mum was enterprising, she made tempe, kerepek ubi, cakar ayam and tapai ubi on her own and it was my job and tapa's job to sell them in the neighbourhood. we baked our own raya goodies (i still had the hot iron stamp on my left knee). my mum was always the one on guard for the ration of water for our house when the time came for collecting from the sole tap shared by about 5-6 houses in vicinity (the time was always around 9-10 o'clock in the night).

my mum was an expert on making all the malay cookies, karipap, bingkang, kuih bakar, kuih kasturi, bubur, and her fried mee hun and mee were simply mouth watering. no wonder, because she had to earn for the family. when we moved to bandar tun razak, my mum's health started to deteriorate. but she still had to earn for the family. when we had to pay for the house, the electricity, water and the money was not enough to send us to school, she became the day-maid to several houses in Taman Midah. this work involved ckeaning house, washing, ironing for those affluent neighbourhood. the distance she had to walk from taman midah to bandar tun razak, would make me lose 10 kg anytime, i think. she brought back enough to send us to school, and after a while, she started her own stall selling fried bananas, by the road side.

my mum was always thinking nutrition for her kids. so while you wonder if you were ever going to eat nutritious food, yep, she would buy from the satay man, the bony skeletons of the chickens and cooked delicious soup. she would buy fruits and vegetables at half the price from the dwellers.

when my mum's kidney started to deteriorate from her diabetes, i was going through the most tragic phase of my marital life. i would always be thankful for her silent encouragement and support. with her i could always depend on family when bad things happened, as if i could never do wrong in her eyes, but was all just bad luck, one after nother. and she was there when i tied the knot with Am despite being ill and unwell to travel, she came to Kota Bharu, for the last visit.

i could never get through this phase of my life easily, missing her so much. she was no longer there for the recipes, just to hear her relating news about the family, the brevity of words, very matter of fact - her own specialty.

i pray to Allah that she will have the easiest journey meeting her Maker and placed in an honoured position as she has done her very best by me and my siblings and she was exemplary in her living and going....

Al Fatihah

Kepulangan 18 januari 2009

My renderings...

Apabila saya mendapat panggilan telefon tentang pemergian bonda tercinta saya pada pagi tu, apa yang saya rasakan ialah perasaan kesal yang teramat sangat. kesal kerana walau pun naluri saya menyuruh saya telefon dia, saya terlupa . walaupun naluri saya menyuruh saya balik jenguk dia, saya beri pelbagai alasan untuk tidak balik ke KL. padahal penang ke KL bukannya jauh 4-5 jam pun boleh sampai kalau driving.
Sebenarnya ibu saya menghidap end-stage renal failure akibat penyakit diabetis yang dihidapinya sekian lama. Adik saya telefon pada hari jumaat late in the evening, memberi tahu yang AV fistula ibu saya blocked lagi. mereka sudah bawa dia ke Hospital Gleneagles untuk revise fistula. doktor di gleneagles kata, kena buat graft, dan arahkan ibu saya pergi ke HUKM on monday.
saya yang mendengar cerita tu, berhajat untuk telefon ibu saya malam tu, tapi saya terlupa dek sibuk melihat buku sekolah anak2 dan homework mereka. bila nak telefon, realized it was quite late. jadi saya nak postpone keesokannya.
hari sabtu saya sibuk ke pasar dan buat banyak kerja saya lupa lagi. asyik lupa, lupa. mungkin kerana saya rasa tak penting nak call ibu. lepas solat subuh pagi ahad, saya kata dalam hati, mesti call mak. tapi suami suruh kejutkan anak2, kami nak pergi jogging di Bukit Jambul. saya lupa lagi call emak.
akhirnya panggilan telefon pukul 11.30 pagi dari rumah saya, kakak kata mak dah tak da lagi.... saya hanya terasa seribu kekesalan. kali terakhir saya bercakap dengan dia pada hari rabu minggu lepas, bincang pasal percutian - kami plan nak bawa dia ke Port Dickson. arwah ibu memang suka pergi jalan2 dan vacation. tapi perbualan kami agak pendek, macam dia tak da mood nak cakap dengan saya. saya sempat cakap, saya rasa batuknya dah kurang. dia pun mengaku, mak dah tak batuk lagi... sebenarnya, menurut adik-beradik saya, batuknya memang sangat kuat pada 1 bulan kebelakangan ini. itulah ibu saya... dia memang tak mahu menyusahkan anak2 dia, dia takut saya risau tentang batuknya yang berpanjangan.
selepas fistulanya blocked kali ni, doktor plan masukkan ke wad HUKM untuk buat dialysis melalui jugular vein. dia memamng serik dengan dialysis cara tu sebab the first time dulu bila blocked, she underwent all that, so dia dah serik sangat. adik dan ipar saya, serba salah bila ibu saya berkeras tak nak buat dialysis ikut jugular vein.
apa yang saya kesalkan, saya tak prihatin tentang masalah jantung dia. saya tahu dia mesti ada some extent of heart failure sebab tu batuk dia berpanjangan, dia pun ada exertional dyspnoea. on top of that, her hemoglobin is low, which further exacerbates her heart and kidney. kenapa saya tak insist dia pergi buat x-ray dan jumpa cardiologist?
alhamdulillah ibu saya meninggal dalam keadaan sangat mudah, she wasn't in pain, dia tak menyusahkan anak2. pagi tu lepas subuh dia duduk atas sofa depan TV, ayah saya buka TV dia suruh tutup dia nak rehat tanpa gangguan TV. ayah saya pergi uruskan mayat seorang yang baru meninggal dunia di Bandar Tun Razak. bila ayah saya balik rumah, ibu saya dilihatnya sedang baring dalam bilik. dia panggil nama, ibu saya jawab dengan bunyi lemah. bila ayah saya jenguk, mata ibu saya telah lihat ke atas, dengan pandangan jauh, kosong... ayah saya sempat beri dia tiga teguk air, nyawa ibu saya di ambil dengan perlahan-lahan.
tidak dapat digambarkan kerinduan saya pada ibu. hanya doa yang dapat mengiringi pemergiannya berjumpa Penciptanya. saya harap dia memaafkan semua kelalaian saya, kekurangan perhatian saya padanya, keutamaan saya pada kerjaya saya hingga mengabaikan dia, padahal dia tidak pernah mengenepikan saya dalam segala hal, dia juga tidak pernah mengabaikan saya selama ini....

Al Fatihah.