When Kane and Abel fought their ways and also against each other in their vast business enterprises and became each other's no 1 worst enemy, they couldn't have thought or imagined that someday Florentyna and William Kane would fall in love and be married and they become in-laws and share a grand-daughter.
Thus is the circle of life, fates or simply Qada' and Qadar. Although the principle remains simple, in real life the lesson is always bitter, torturous, heart-rending, often left a metallic taste in your mouth...
i am at the moment feeling utterly hopeless at my life's situation. i know that God is at the helm of things, isn't it much better to let things slide on its own? isn't it less troublesome to just let the events in your life being managed by the Almighty? Oh, the feelings of just letting go... that's awesome! OK, that's how i'm telling you how hopeless i feel. not that we as humans have any power to change how things go, but we were supposed to charge forward, form our own destiny with hopes and prayers, aren't we? i'm saying that i'm at my deepest end with hopes and prayers, i'd say i've tried my best.
the best way for any other people to learn a good lesson is to experience it themselves. the malays were very smart with their idioms, if i could refresh one saying: 'berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu yang memikul'. yeah, that would fit my predicament with my siblings at the moment. none of them have actually undergone what i've been through, i dont think they understood an iota of my problem. it's so easy to stand there in their lofty positions; to judge, to criticize and to issue orders.
i've made a lot of mistakes in the past, but my decisions were never intended to cause pain to others. there were honest decisions, my ups and falls - a beautiful myriad of life's experiences. i've learnt lessons others have never thought possible to learn from, bitter events that some people only read in novels - i've gone through them all.
who are you people to say that i've earned less than to live my own life? when you hide behind your sham of a living? behind closed doors - you suffer and you cry? you wish for the better, but you were scared for a change? i've never been a hypocrite and i will not start now. just to assert a little bit of my revenge, i hope that you will experience some of my misery so that you know... so that you learn a bitter lesson ... so that life teaches you one of its most expensive lessons; you cannot underestimate Qada' and Qadar.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Cairo oh Cairo!!
The visit to Cairo was planned in a haphazard way. Malaysia Airlines has stopped this line, so i had to choose Egypt Air or Emirates or pay so much more if i transit somewhere en-route if i fly the national carrier.
23rd Malaysia-Singapore Ophthalmology Congress
Organized by the Ophthalmological Scociety of Malaysian Medical Association and its Singapore counterpart. this used to be a 2-yearly event, however it has not been organized for the past 3 years. too many conferences! this time it was organized at the 5-star Sutera Harbour Resort. very posh! Thank you Alcon..
as of all ophthalmology meetings and conferences, it was a time to renew friendships and getting on with updates with what goes on with each other's lives. i somtimes think that we grab the opportunity to attend these meetings to do what we always like to do on other people's money. there was that banquet dinner and shopping at the Filipino market, the sea food restaurants, all the terubuk ikan masin and udang kering which must be filling the baggage, no wonder the plane smells really fishy!
Islands of the Argosaronic Gulf
we embarked from port of Piraeus early in the morning in the hope to get the best seats on board. i was anxious about getting seasick although i was assured that it was a big cruise ship, unlikely i would get inflicted. i still did took some anti-emetics anyway. so did the rest of us! we sure didnt want to embarrass ourself vomitting out onto the Aegian sea!no wonder amidst the loudy guests and the entertainment, our group were dozing off!
The islands we were visiting included Poros, Hydra and Aegina which are scattered on the Argosaronic gulf. the ship the Giorgios, was a very big cruise ship (a la Love Boat), with a bar, live band, music, meals and champagne provided on board. It was full house, there were a mix group of jolly brits, japanese and koreans, also some latinos. good mixture of culture.
fortunately the sea was very calm. the poros island had many sidewalk cafes. the houses as in Athens, were built dotting the hills. the roads were entertwining. we stayed for 40 minutes only.
the second island was Hydra. it was beautiful. there were a lot of donkeys, which are the transportation to the hilly residentials. there were more shops than in Poros. we stayed about 1 hour on this island. leaving Hydra we saw some firehouse and cannons put facing towards the sea, must be for the people's protection back in old days.
boarding the Giorgios, we were served our lunch. we were initially almost being served pork (which was the next table's order). after the confusion (Malezian, Malezian) the waitress was immediately corrected, we were served our smoked salmon, salad and fruit juice.
the last island was Aegina, which was equally beautiful. we stopped for about 2 hours. there were losts of shops and more activities here. the main attraction was of course, the octopus! we ate grilled octopus, tempura prawns, grilled cockles with lemon juice splashed on it which makes it so palatable.
Going back to the jetty on Piraeus, we were fast asleep on the coach, it was a very tiring day indeed with lots of sceneries and peoples faces swimming in your vision.
The islands we were visiting included Poros, Hydra and Aegina which are scattered on the Argosaronic gulf. the ship the Giorgios, was a very big cruise ship (a la Love Boat), with a bar, live band, music, meals and champagne provided on board. It was full house, there were a mix group of jolly brits, japanese and koreans, also some latinos. good mixture of culture.
fortunately the sea was very calm. the poros island had many sidewalk cafes. the houses as in Athens, were built dotting the hills. the roads were entertwining. we stayed for 40 minutes only.
the second island was Hydra. it was beautiful. there were a lot of donkeys, which are the transportation to the hilly residentials. there were more shops than in Poros. we stayed about 1 hour on this island. leaving Hydra we saw some firehouse and cannons put facing towards the sea, must be for the people's protection back in old days.
boarding the Giorgios, we were served our lunch. we were initially almost being served pork (which was the next table's order). after the confusion (Malezian, Malezian) the waitress was immediately corrected, we were served our smoked salmon, salad and fruit juice.
the last island was Aegina, which was equally beautiful. we stopped for about 2 hours. there were losts of shops and more activities here. the main attraction was of course, the octopus! we ate grilled octopus, tempura prawns, grilled cockles with lemon juice splashed on it which makes it so palatable.
Going back to the jetty on Piraeus, we were fast asleep on the coach, it was a very tiring day indeed with lots of sceneries and peoples faces swimming in your vision.
Athens
International Glaucoma Congress
organized in Athens 31 March - 3 April 2007
We visited the Acropolis which is atourist's must-see spot. stood in front of me was real life Parthenon - unfortunately some renovation works were still going on, Karyatides (the 6 maidens), temple of Zeus, etc. we also took pictures in front of the governor's mansion. we went to Plaka, bought souvenirs also took advantage of eating at the sidewalk cafes which are hallmarks of european cities. not forgetting dropped by the olympic stadium. as many stadiums (also some monuments on Acropolis), it's built is of a semi-circle. Thanks for a good time Steph!
pot.
Asian ARVO (Association of Research in Vision and Ophthalmology)
2nd Asia ARVO was organized in Singapore from 1 March - 4 March 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Case Series on Double Jeopardy
Case 1
I knew AA as my clinical specialist when i did my masters degree at Hospital K. he had a very presentable and sunny disposition. always soft spoken, smiling a lot and so easy to get on with. he was actually planning to set up his own medical centre thus his job with the Ministry of Health was already seeing the end of his services. at the same time i also knew of his wife Y, who is petite, very soft spoken, pious although a bit reserved compared to us, all bubbly girls. they had 4 children then. i imagined this marriage was solid as rock, looking at AA's and Y's personalities and financial independence. what could go wrong? most time i'd envy this couple with their serenity and their institution of marriage. i've heard rumours that at one time AA had been involved with The Other Woman while ding his masters dgree at a university in KL but somehow the affair was put a stop.
the latest news of AA that i heard, he is more prosperous, financially secure with 2 branch clinics (one building of his own), driving the latest Mercedes-Benz. also married The Other Woman (from now on will be referred as TOW), who happens to be his clinic assistant! He's still married to Y, though.
Case 2
This is a very well suited couple as far as the view from an external observer would allow (that's me). N and R are both medical specialists. N is astaff of a university while R is practising at a private centre. both are high earning jobs and has high seniority in their chosen fields. they have one son, 12 years old. i must say that as far as being liberal, modern and professional, N is without doubt your perfect candidate. she is also very pretty and kind.
2 years ago, R remarried without N's consent (yes, that can still happen here), which was when N was abroad. he married an air stewardess, rumoured to be a drinker and smoker. N was angry, while on an umrah, R agreed to divorce TOW on N's insistence. But, you think R did that? No way, they are still married and a baby on the way...
Case 3
He is a senior medical specialist, doing a further degree Down Under. he met Z, also a lecturer doing further degree at the kangaroo country. Too much frolicking or what? He married her last month! His wife, a staff nurse at our place had to agree to him moving to KL (to be with TOW). They have a 13 year old son.
Case 4
They met in medical school, fell in love and wanted to get married. but she is Malay, the boy is Indian-Muslim. as expected this met with extreme opposition from boy's family. anyway, there was no way you can stop a budding, young love, they got married. for the first 4 years she had to stop thinking about babies which she desperately wanted, fearing the wrath coming from husband's family. but boy's family really pressured him, wanted him to marry an Indian girl from Motherland, a relative, which would be the perfect match for their doctor son. he told her of this forced arranged marriage, then he divorced her. girl was down with depression, low self-esteem, came back to and further study for a masters degree. after some time, they rekindled their love affair which did not ebb away in spite of separation and his marriage to TOW, they remarried. now girl is having her 3rd child, she also happens to know TOW already has 3 children with her husband!
Case 5
she married him and discovered she was TOW! he was already married his first wife but the marriage was not registered. he neglected his responsibility , he was also quick with his hands. she couldnt except the deceit and the kind of life, she wanted out. he divorced his first wife, but rumour has it that he is having a relationship with a second TOW! now she's fighthing for her rights as a woman, mother and wife in the syariah courts. Good luck!
Amazing stories about men and the way they look at their role in a marriage. cant they cherish the woman they marry? cant they stay in love with the woman they promised to love and care? cant they be content with what they have?
I knew AA as my clinical specialist when i did my masters degree at Hospital K. he had a very presentable and sunny disposition. always soft spoken, smiling a lot and so easy to get on with. he was actually planning to set up his own medical centre thus his job with the Ministry of Health was already seeing the end of his services. at the same time i also knew of his wife Y, who is petite, very soft spoken, pious although a bit reserved compared to us, all bubbly girls. they had 4 children then. i imagined this marriage was solid as rock, looking at AA's and Y's personalities and financial independence. what could go wrong? most time i'd envy this couple with their serenity and their institution of marriage. i've heard rumours that at one time AA had been involved with The Other Woman while ding his masters dgree at a university in KL but somehow the affair was put a stop.
the latest news of AA that i heard, he is more prosperous, financially secure with 2 branch clinics (one building of his own), driving the latest Mercedes-Benz. also married The Other Woman (from now on will be referred as TOW), who happens to be his clinic assistant! He's still married to Y, though.
Case 2
This is a very well suited couple as far as the view from an external observer would allow (that's me). N and R are both medical specialists. N is astaff of a university while R is practising at a private centre. both are high earning jobs and has high seniority in their chosen fields. they have one son, 12 years old. i must say that as far as being liberal, modern and professional, N is without doubt your perfect candidate. she is also very pretty and kind.
2 years ago, R remarried without N's consent (yes, that can still happen here), which was when N was abroad. he married an air stewardess, rumoured to be a drinker and smoker. N was angry, while on an umrah, R agreed to divorce TOW on N's insistence. But, you think R did that? No way, they are still married and a baby on the way...
Case 3
He is a senior medical specialist, doing a further degree Down Under. he met Z, also a lecturer doing further degree at the kangaroo country. Too much frolicking or what? He married her last month! His wife, a staff nurse at our place had to agree to him moving to KL (to be with TOW). They have a 13 year old son.
Case 4
They met in medical school, fell in love and wanted to get married. but she is Malay, the boy is Indian-Muslim. as expected this met with extreme opposition from boy's family. anyway, there was no way you can stop a budding, young love, they got married. for the first 4 years she had to stop thinking about babies which she desperately wanted, fearing the wrath coming from husband's family. but boy's family really pressured him, wanted him to marry an Indian girl from Motherland, a relative, which would be the perfect match for their doctor son. he told her of this forced arranged marriage, then he divorced her. girl was down with depression, low self-esteem, came back to and further study for a masters degree. after some time, they rekindled their love affair which did not ebb away in spite of separation and his marriage to TOW, they remarried. now girl is having her 3rd child, she also happens to know TOW already has 3 children with her husband!
Case 5
she married him and discovered she was TOW! he was already married his first wife but the marriage was not registered. he neglected his responsibility , he was also quick with his hands. she couldnt except the deceit and the kind of life, she wanted out. he divorced his first wife, but rumour has it that he is having a relationship with a second TOW! now she's fighthing for her rights as a woman, mother and wife in the syariah courts. Good luck!
Amazing stories about men and the way they look at their role in a marriage. cant they cherish the woman they marry? cant they stay in love with the woman they promised to love and care? cant they be content with what they have?
Monday, September 10, 2007
Merdeka!
i feel compelled to write my piece on independence since this year marks the 50th year of our country's Independence from colonization. i've always felt that 'merdeka' means to have one's choice. although we're far from the permissive society like the west, women have taken a great share of accountability, respectability and responsibility in this country. it's all back to having been able to make your own choices in life.
on a personal note, i've been very free to make my own choices in marriage and career as i see them coming. i've been labelled stubborn and (may be) stupid whenever my choices were far away from the expectations of my family. i've been accused of selfishness, broke my parents' heart without a by-your-leave, caused a dent in siblingship, but i chose them anyway. i was not afraid of failure or losing. i just put my feet down and jammed on the accelerator, forth forward. it may be due to the impressional age and the environment which played a large part in my decisions.
i agree that i've mad countless mistakes, some have cost me wasted years, money, time, emotions but also there were some gratifying moments. my children, for instance are examples to show how my choice was blessed. the silver lining in the horizon was of course my miserable marriages, my emotional instability and my inarguably need to please and find reassurance. the latter could derive from the years away from my family when i had full residential schooling where the rule of thumb was you had to strive to be the best, well liked and most popular to gain attention.
while slipping from my teenage years to adolescent to a mature 20's and 30's years, my choices in life have been modified by previous experiences. i may not be that aggressive or so firm in my decisions anymore. i think it was high time to regain parental and familial blessing, less self-centred, think of my children more. therein lies a big dilemma in which i have to juggle in my career and future at the same time. some of life's choices at the moment are truly challenging to my noble intentions. i believe i have met my partner in life, which needs a lot of work to convince my family of my choice. i have to consider his presence in my planned future, or may be because of him i'm planning a future? i have to make decisions, i have to snap out of this melancholic rut and contemplate some fast decisions. i haven't been able to grasp back my usual self-assured and confident nature....
Choices, that's what being independent means!
on a personal note, i've been very free to make my own choices in marriage and career as i see them coming. i've been labelled stubborn and (may be) stupid whenever my choices were far away from the expectations of my family. i've been accused of selfishness, broke my parents' heart without a by-your-leave, caused a dent in siblingship, but i chose them anyway. i was not afraid of failure or losing. i just put my feet down and jammed on the accelerator, forth forward. it may be due to the impressional age and the environment which played a large part in my decisions.
i agree that i've mad countless mistakes, some have cost me wasted years, money, time, emotions but also there were some gratifying moments. my children, for instance are examples to show how my choice was blessed. the silver lining in the horizon was of course my miserable marriages, my emotional instability and my inarguably need to please and find reassurance. the latter could derive from the years away from my family when i had full residential schooling where the rule of thumb was you had to strive to be the best, well liked and most popular to gain attention.
while slipping from my teenage years to adolescent to a mature 20's and 30's years, my choices in life have been modified by previous experiences. i may not be that aggressive or so firm in my decisions anymore. i think it was high time to regain parental and familial blessing, less self-centred, think of my children more. therein lies a big dilemma in which i have to juggle in my career and future at the same time. some of life's choices at the moment are truly challenging to my noble intentions. i believe i have met my partner in life, which needs a lot of work to convince my family of my choice. i have to consider his presence in my planned future, or may be because of him i'm planning a future? i have to make decisions, i have to snap out of this melancholic rut and contemplate some fast decisions. i haven't been able to grasp back my usual self-assured and confident nature....
Choices, that's what being independent means!
Monday, December 04, 2006
Mum out of hospital
Alhamdulillah my mother who was diagnosed with acute on chronic renal failure, which was exacerbated by recurrent urinary rtract infections has come out of HUKM. while in the ward she had an intermittent peritoneal dialysis to reduce her escalating urea level which had amounted to 40 mmol, had also 3 pines of packed cell transfusion which had brought up her Hb level from 6.6 g/dl to 11.1 g/dl. her blood sugar which was at a critical level of 28 mmol also came down to 13 mmol. thank you very much to Datin Norella Kong, Dr Adam and Dr Shahada of wad 3 and all the caring staff for taking care of my mum while she was being admitted.
the week after she was home, the house was visited by all her neighbours, children and grandchildren non-stop.
the week after she was home, the house was visited by all her neighbours, children and grandchildren non-stop.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Women are special...
over the weekend i managed to to watch a cerekarama entitled "Rendang Untuk Mertua" screened on TV3. in one of the scenes, this script was uttered between Marina (played by the aspiring actress Fazura) and her husband;
"Hawa dijadikan dari rusuk Adam untuk dijadikan teman. Bukan dari kepalanya untuk dijunjung. Bukan dari kaki untuk dijadikan sebagai alas. tetapi dijadikan dekat dengan lengan untuk dilindungi dan dekat dengan hati untuk dicintai".
many know that Islam is a religion which liberalize the position of women in the society. in the Quran there is even a surah entitled Annisa (women) and in the religion many aspects of women are being paid close attention to.
but why women are still being oppressed even when more women movement are fighting for women's lib? more women are being manipulated, abused, bullied, harassed, denied justice, looked at as men's playthings, etc.
there are women issues which are circulating in national newspapers everyday e.g Nurul the singer claimed that she had been divorced three times (what are her rights, what did she do) while singer-composer husband Ajai denied (which one is right?, in sydney women who did not cover their head was labeled 'exposed meat' (is this an accurate perception?), the free lance Mongolian model who was blown to pieces after a love gone astray (what sick people would do this), and many others.
men are supposed to be protectors of women and women who are bestowed with compassion, love and affection in their heart should cherish their counterpart. together men and women are supposed to live together in the blessing of God. Where have we gone wrong?
"Hawa dijadikan dari rusuk Adam untuk dijadikan teman. Bukan dari kepalanya untuk dijunjung. Bukan dari kaki untuk dijadikan sebagai alas. tetapi dijadikan dekat dengan lengan untuk dilindungi dan dekat dengan hati untuk dicintai".
many know that Islam is a religion which liberalize the position of women in the society. in the Quran there is even a surah entitled Annisa (women) and in the religion many aspects of women are being paid close attention to.
but why women are still being oppressed even when more women movement are fighting for women's lib? more women are being manipulated, abused, bullied, harassed, denied justice, looked at as men's playthings, etc.
there are women issues which are circulating in national newspapers everyday e.g Nurul the singer claimed that she had been divorced three times (what are her rights, what did she do) while singer-composer husband Ajai denied (which one is right?, in sydney women who did not cover their head was labeled 'exposed meat' (is this an accurate perception?), the free lance Mongolian model who was blown to pieces after a love gone astray (what sick people would do this), and many others.
men are supposed to be protectors of women and women who are bestowed with compassion, love and affection in their heart should cherish their counterpart. together men and women are supposed to live together in the blessing of God. Where have we gone wrong?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Maya getting married
Received a wedding invitation from my ex-CFCS student, Dr Maya Sapira who's getting married to a Muslim convert this weekend. what grabs my attention was the verses captured on the card which says:
Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami... "Satukan hati kedua mempelai seperti Engkau satukan hati Adam dan Hawa, Yusuf dan Zulaikha dan seperti Engkau satukan Muhammad (SAW) dan Khadijah" Tetapkanlah kasih antara mereka selagi tidak melebihi kasih padaMu.
it was a reminder that the love existing between two hamba Allah cant ever rival that of the hamba with the Lord, who holds the power above all. which is fitting because everything that is on this world is on loan to us by Him. thus even if you love somebody that much, and if there should ever be a conflict, be very sincere and give God the prioprity above everything or everyone else...
Ya Allah Ya Tuhan kami... "Satukan hati kedua mempelai seperti Engkau satukan hati Adam dan Hawa, Yusuf dan Zulaikha dan seperti Engkau satukan Muhammad (SAW) dan Khadijah" Tetapkanlah kasih antara mereka selagi tidak melebihi kasih padaMu.
it was a reminder that the love existing between two hamba Allah cant ever rival that of the hamba with the Lord, who holds the power above all. which is fitting because everything that is on this world is on loan to us by Him. thus even if you love somebody that much, and if there should ever be a conflict, be very sincere and give God the prioprity above everything or everyone else...
"Doktor Dan Anda" at Kelantan FM
The topic was "Penyakit Mata di Kalangan Pesakit Diabetes". it was exciting to see what went on in a conti room. received few phone-ins but none to do with diabetic complications!!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Vartan is out of Alias
the new season of Alias was finally aired last monday. i was glued to the screen, watching jennifer Garner in action. my heart was beating fast to see how the drama will unfold. last season ended with the promise of a 'living happily ever after'scene of Garner-Vartan going away for a much needed vacation to resume their romantic interlude, when suddenly Vartan/Vaugh admitted to leading a double life and assuming a fake ID. shortly after that, their car was hit and audience was left shocked and dumbfounded (at least i was) with the revelation from the seemingly so cool and innocent Vaughn.
so the fact that our heroine was duped right from the beginning didnt sit well with me at all, i was so damned curious how JJ Abrams is going to end all the suspense(or add more?).
so our Vaughn was actually a double-spy? this sounds so familiar, the script looks like it was re-written (started when our heroine was leading her double life). and suddenly in the middle of an escape, our couple received the bomb-dropping news, Sydney was pregnant with their child!! wow, the plot became juicier here... but what a heart-wrenching letdown, after choosing such a magnificent name for their baby (why were they expecting a baby girl, anyway?) Isabel Bristow Vaughn, Vaughn suffered a ventricular fib and the cardiac monitors finally showed a flatline... questions like if he was suffering a critical multi-organ failure why wasnt he in an ICU, ventilated and machine-supported, i have learnt not ask, i was enjoying myself tremendously and wouldnt mind being sidetracked from the medical galore.
i was feeling disappointed between seeing my heroine without her man and now after showing her prowess at spying, high kicking, aerogliding, genius code breaking, lock picking, seductress, etc. she was going to show us the magic of motherhood, or glad that she got away from her spineless timid and overshadowed counterpart. frankly, i considered him not fit for the magnificent Sydney Bristow, anyway.
i cant wait for the next episode as Sydney continues searching for the person responsibled for killing Vaughn and made her baby fatherless....
so the fact that our heroine was duped right from the beginning didnt sit well with me at all, i was so damned curious how JJ Abrams is going to end all the suspense(or add more?).
so our Vaughn was actually a double-spy? this sounds so familiar, the script looks like it was re-written (started when our heroine was leading her double life). and suddenly in the middle of an escape, our couple received the bomb-dropping news, Sydney was pregnant with their child!! wow, the plot became juicier here... but what a heart-wrenching letdown, after choosing such a magnificent name for their baby (why were they expecting a baby girl, anyway?) Isabel Bristow Vaughn, Vaughn suffered a ventricular fib and the cardiac monitors finally showed a flatline... questions like if he was suffering a critical multi-organ failure why wasnt he in an ICU, ventilated and machine-supported, i have learnt not ask, i was enjoying myself tremendously and wouldnt mind being sidetracked from the medical galore.
i was feeling disappointed between seeing my heroine without her man and now after showing her prowess at spying, high kicking, aerogliding, genius code breaking, lock picking, seductress, etc. she was going to show us the magic of motherhood, or glad that she got away from her spineless timid and overshadowed counterpart. frankly, i considered him not fit for the magnificent Sydney Bristow, anyway.
i cant wait for the next episode as Sydney continues searching for the person responsibled for killing Vaughn and made her baby fatherless....
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Standing vigil...
lighting a candle for your loved ones at their time of leaving us behind...my experience at this was remote since it happened to me so many years ago; 12 years to be exact. i have not let these memories resurfaced until now. but for me it was not a premeditated thing since it happened quite sudden without a warning and he left just like that!
this memory must be evoked by at least four predisposing news of illnesses, one - my own mum who has gone for the worse again, second - my brother in law with his acute myocardial infarct, third - Pam Mc Evoy's mother in Sydney whom i heard is dying and fourth - Mireille's brother in Geneva who had a recurrence of lymphoma again.
i hope they will all turn for the better because standing vigil is unpleasant for the loved ones. we never know what to expect and the best to tackle this is; to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst...
this memory must be evoked by at least four predisposing news of illnesses, one - my own mum who has gone for the worse again, second - my brother in law with his acute myocardial infarct, third - Pam Mc Evoy's mother in Sydney whom i heard is dying and fourth - Mireille's brother in Geneva who had a recurrence of lymphoma again.
i hope they will all turn for the better because standing vigil is unpleasant for the loved ones. we never know what to expect and the best to tackle this is; to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst...
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Heart attack and forgiveness
i was surprised by an early morning text msg from one of my nieces telling that my brother-in-law was admitted to the coronary care unit at 4.00 am. it was in fact a jolt because as far as i know, other than his smoking of rokok daun my brother-in-law does not have any other vices or a medical condition. he has always been hale and hearty, in fact was actively involved in making house repairs and construction around his neighbourhood.
true enough he suffered from an anteroseptal infarct with inferior ischaemia. when admitted his blood pressure was on the low side and the chest pain persisted even with isoket and heparin infusions, which is a bad sign. he was planned for an angiogram cum angioplasty/kiv rescue CABG if they see a bad sign i.e 3-vessel disease.
when i went in to see his much weakened condition, i was astonished to see his pale face and immediately he went into a tirade as he predicted the cause of his almost fatal condition was because of 'somebody' whom he felt he had wronged. he had been trying to ask for this person's forgiveness and he was deeply upset that that person should felt slighted for a small misdeed that my brother-in-law didnt mean to and it has caused a deep wedge between them. he went on and on and i was alarmed at the increasing heart rate evident on the cardiac monitor for fear he would get another infarct!
i tried to console him to forget about this person whom didnot feel a slight remorse over the broken 'silaturrahim' or did not pay a heed to him. i asked him to lie down and not get agitated, but his monologue went on... until the cardiologist assumed he was crying because of the chest pain, and generously gave him a dose of morphine to sedate and alleviate the pain.
apparently my brother-in-law had been trying to see 'this person' to ask for forgiveness for which it proved furtile. he wished that he could see 'him' even for a second to clear the air between them. i saw his sincerity on his lined and wrinkled face, it brought tears to my eyes.
what really saddened me was the fact that this 'person' whom he was talking about was someone closest to me... ! and i still remember what he said to me this morning, "....he's doing the same to me too!"
to my brother-in-law, i hope you'll survive this physical ordeal. i hope you will continue the path to health and i'll always pray for you.
true enough he suffered from an anteroseptal infarct with inferior ischaemia. when admitted his blood pressure was on the low side and the chest pain persisted even with isoket and heparin infusions, which is a bad sign. he was planned for an angiogram cum angioplasty/kiv rescue CABG if they see a bad sign i.e 3-vessel disease.
when i went in to see his much weakened condition, i was astonished to see his pale face and immediately he went into a tirade as he predicted the cause of his almost fatal condition was because of 'somebody' whom he felt he had wronged. he had been trying to ask for this person's forgiveness and he was deeply upset that that person should felt slighted for a small misdeed that my brother-in-law didnt mean to and it has caused a deep wedge between them. he went on and on and i was alarmed at the increasing heart rate evident on the cardiac monitor for fear he would get another infarct!
i tried to console him to forget about this person whom didnot feel a slight remorse over the broken 'silaturrahim' or did not pay a heed to him. i asked him to lie down and not get agitated, but his monologue went on... until the cardiologist assumed he was crying because of the chest pain, and generously gave him a dose of morphine to sedate and alleviate the pain.
apparently my brother-in-law had been trying to see 'this person' to ask for forgiveness for which it proved furtile. he wished that he could see 'him' even for a second to clear the air between them. i saw his sincerity on his lined and wrinkled face, it brought tears to my eyes.
what really saddened me was the fact that this 'person' whom he was talking about was someone closest to me... ! and i still remember what he said to me this morning, "....he's doing the same to me too!"
to my brother-in-law, i hope you'll survive this physical ordeal. i hope you will continue the path to health and i'll always pray for you.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Too good to be true
may be once or twice in your lifetime
you get what you want
what you really wish for
and you want to clasp it near you
you want to make it forever yours
for fear if you let go
it will be forever gone
once in your lifetime
you meet your soul partner
out of time
out of nowhere
out of your wildest imagination
just bear in mind
on the face of God's earth
nothing or no one really belongs to a mortal
a temporary solution
to test your sincerity
your allegiance
to the Most Beneficient and the Most Merciful
some things are too good to be true
they are bound to be taken away
like an illusion
in the cold light of the day
God may test you yet again....
a harsh reminder
not all that you want
is best for you
and all that you detest
probably works for you in the long run
for God's ways
are twisted
and beyond our contemplation
a fate to encounter
a mystery to all
so be sincere
be honest
when you hand over your fate
into God's hands
pray that He leads you to the rightful path
the least hurtful to your soul
to allow you a drop of happiness
in an ocean of misery
for with Him lie all that's good and permanent
you get what you want
what you really wish for
and you want to clasp it near you
you want to make it forever yours
for fear if you let go
it will be forever gone
once in your lifetime
you meet your soul partner
out of time
out of nowhere
out of your wildest imagination
just bear in mind
on the face of God's earth
nothing or no one really belongs to a mortal
a temporary solution
to test your sincerity
your allegiance
to the Most Beneficient and the Most Merciful
some things are too good to be true
they are bound to be taken away
like an illusion
in the cold light of the day
God may test you yet again....
a harsh reminder
not all that you want
is best for you
and all that you detest
probably works for you in the long run
for God's ways
are twisted
and beyond our contemplation
a fate to encounter
a mystery to all
so be sincere
be honest
when you hand over your fate
into God's hands
pray that He leads you to the rightful path
the least hurtful to your soul
to allow you a drop of happiness
in an ocean of misery
for with Him lie all that's good and permanent
Sunday, October 29, 2006
2 Syawal 2006
Ya Allah Yang Maha Besar
Aku hambaMu yang bodoh lagi lemah
Aku yang begitu jahil di sisi kebijaksaaan milikMu
tidakku punya akal untuk melihat perkara mendatang
hanya kepadaMu aku berserah
Sesungguhnya Ya Allah
aku akur akan kebesaran kuasaMu
jika Kau mahu matahari terbit di ufuk barat
tenggelam di ufuk timur
maka akan jadilah ia
Ya Allah yang Maha Mengasihani
aku hambaMu yang sangat mengharap
kurniakan sedikit kebahagiaan di duniaMu yang fana ini
hikmahkan kepada hambaMu yang hina ini
belas dan ikhsan dari limpahan kasihMu
telah lama hambaMu ini dicuba
dengan dugaanMu yang maha berat
Aku pasrah sujud di kakiMu...
Ya Allah Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.
Aku hambaMu yang bodoh lagi lemah
Aku yang begitu jahil di sisi kebijaksaaan milikMu
tidakku punya akal untuk melihat perkara mendatang
hanya kepadaMu aku berserah
Sesungguhnya Ya Allah
aku akur akan kebesaran kuasaMu
jika Kau mahu matahari terbit di ufuk barat
tenggelam di ufuk timur
maka akan jadilah ia
Ya Allah yang Maha Mengasihani
aku hambaMu yang sangat mengharap
kurniakan sedikit kebahagiaan di duniaMu yang fana ini
hikmahkan kepada hambaMu yang hina ini
belas dan ikhsan dari limpahan kasihMu
telah lama hambaMu ini dicuba
dengan dugaanMu yang maha berat
Aku pasrah sujud di kakiMu...
Ya Allah Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.
Monday, October 23, 2006
A Meaningful Ramadhan
Today will be the last day of Ramadhan 2006. i welcomed this holy month of Ramadhan with an unusual zest. may be the joyous spirit came from somewhere deep within me which i wasnt aware of before. it emerged and blossomed turning this Ramadhan into a very meaningful holy month. as the song from Raihan goes:
Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini sungguh makna
Agar dapat kulalui dengan sempurna
Selangkah demi selangkah...
the philosophy behind Ramadhan is nothing new to me. has been hammered into me since i was taught the fundamentals of Islam, its teachings, the 5 pillars and i began fasting as early as 7 years. as i started to have family, the usual practice during Ramadhan is more or less accustomed to the way of the head of the family practises, hence it largely depended on my husband.
our usual practice during previous Ramadhans went something like this - we usually had sahur at 5 am (meals prepared by my maid Rudy) and we usually went to sleep again, sometimes waking up late for the Subuh prayers (shamefully i admit sometimes we missed). and then the fasting and breaking up of the fast, as usual is a big ceremony of stuffing yourself like you wont see another morsel of food the next 10 years! after the huge meal, we would be too full to go to the tarawih prayers. my husband usually gave it a miss. initially i went with Aiza & Nur, but after a while going alone often raised eyebrows (may be it was only my illusion) then i stopped going at all.
if anyone could have seen me this time, they will say like "dah buang tebiat dia ni", because i could feel this difference with us (my husband and i). i never missed the tarawih prayers, if i didnt go to the mosque, i would do it at home, plus other sunnat prayers. the book "Himpunan Sembahyang Sunat" which i bought a few years back was put to full use. we would often wake up early hours to do more sunnat prayers. from sunat taubat, to tahajjjud, hajat, tasbih, and istikharah, i tried to do all. i tried as hard as i might not to go to sleep again after sahur, but watched the many religious forum (al kuliyyah), motivation talks, etc which the the TV stations broadcast everyday. our meals were also prepared in a moderate way, i tried to contain myself from buying so much dishes which usually end up in the bin anyway. so how that's different this time. even my husband commented the other day, "this is the most different Ramadhan".
for this Raya celebration, as usual we will spend it in Kelantan. which is no difference from the previous years. despite my mum being ill, as i have often reminded my husband that he should consider celebrating it with my family in KL this year because this could be our last Raya with her, he remained silent and stubborn. or when he was more exasperated, he exclaimed "you can go back on your own, just leave the kids behind." ok, i'll not dwell on that... a totally different subject matter.
i called mak last night and in her weakened state, she admitted that she cant prepare the raya meals. usually she would make the ketupat or the ketupat pulut (for her son-in-law), rendang ayam and daging and her famous sambal kacang. so this year my Akak from Kuantan will be cooking for the family instead. as usual Musa and his family will come back for the occassion. Tapa, Munshi and Dyla will also be spending with my parents, then taking off to their spouses' destination (Ulu Yam, Mentakab and Melaka).it has been so long since i celebrated with my siblings and parents that if i were given the chance, i would be so totally out of element among them. anyway, no use to ponder about that because i dont know whether that time will ever arrive.
some Hari raya wishes from me;
- To Akak and Ust Nurdin; Muaz, Nabila and Muzammil
- To Musa and Umi; Hakimi, Kida and Shikin
- To OD and Abg Mat; Anis, Anas and Ami
- To Tapa and Dis; Ashraf, Ikhsan and Caca
- To Munshi and Ayu; Muhaimin and Aina
- To Dyla and Ery; Sharmaine and Adam
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri and Maaf Zahir Batin from Mak Uda & Pak Uda; Nur, Aiza and Aidid.
"Di hari raya
terkenang daku kepada si dia
kampung ku hijau nan jauh di mata
ayah serta bondaku ...."
Dendang Perantau (a perfect song for people like me).
Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan kali ini sungguh makna
Agar dapat kulalui dengan sempurna
Selangkah demi selangkah...
the philosophy behind Ramadhan is nothing new to me. has been hammered into me since i was taught the fundamentals of Islam, its teachings, the 5 pillars and i began fasting as early as 7 years. as i started to have family, the usual practice during Ramadhan is more or less accustomed to the way of the head of the family practises, hence it largely depended on my husband.
our usual practice during previous Ramadhans went something like this - we usually had sahur at 5 am (meals prepared by my maid Rudy) and we usually went to sleep again, sometimes waking up late for the Subuh prayers (shamefully i admit sometimes we missed). and then the fasting and breaking up of the fast, as usual is a big ceremony of stuffing yourself like you wont see another morsel of food the next 10 years! after the huge meal, we would be too full to go to the tarawih prayers. my husband usually gave it a miss. initially i went with Aiza & Nur, but after a while going alone often raised eyebrows (may be it was only my illusion) then i stopped going at all.
if anyone could have seen me this time, they will say like "dah buang tebiat dia ni", because i could feel this difference with us (my husband and i). i never missed the tarawih prayers, if i didnt go to the mosque, i would do it at home, plus other sunnat prayers. the book "Himpunan Sembahyang Sunat" which i bought a few years back was put to full use. we would often wake up early hours to do more sunnat prayers. from sunat taubat, to tahajjjud, hajat, tasbih, and istikharah, i tried to do all. i tried as hard as i might not to go to sleep again after sahur, but watched the many religious forum (al kuliyyah), motivation talks, etc which the the TV stations broadcast everyday. our meals were also prepared in a moderate way, i tried to contain myself from buying so much dishes which usually end up in the bin anyway. so how that's different this time. even my husband commented the other day, "this is the most different Ramadhan".
for this Raya celebration, as usual we will spend it in Kelantan. which is no difference from the previous years. despite my mum being ill, as i have often reminded my husband that he should consider celebrating it with my family in KL this year because this could be our last Raya with her, he remained silent and stubborn. or when he was more exasperated, he exclaimed "you can go back on your own, just leave the kids behind." ok, i'll not dwell on that... a totally different subject matter.
i called mak last night and in her weakened state, she admitted that she cant prepare the raya meals. usually she would make the ketupat or the ketupat pulut (for her son-in-law), rendang ayam and daging and her famous sambal kacang. so this year my Akak from Kuantan will be cooking for the family instead. as usual Musa and his family will come back for the occassion. Tapa, Munshi and Dyla will also be spending with my parents, then taking off to their spouses' destination (Ulu Yam, Mentakab and Melaka).it has been so long since i celebrated with my siblings and parents that if i were given the chance, i would be so totally out of element among them. anyway, no use to ponder about that because i dont know whether that time will ever arrive.
some Hari raya wishes from me;
- To Akak and Ust Nurdin; Muaz, Nabila and Muzammil
- To Musa and Umi; Hakimi, Kida and Shikin
- To OD and Abg Mat; Anis, Anas and Ami
- To Tapa and Dis; Ashraf, Ikhsan and Caca
- To Munshi and Ayu; Muhaimin and Aina
- To Dyla and Ery; Sharmaine and Adam
Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri and Maaf Zahir Batin from Mak Uda & Pak Uda; Nur, Aiza and Aidid.
"Di hari raya
terkenang daku kepada si dia
kampung ku hijau nan jauh di mata
ayah serta bondaku ...."
Dendang Perantau (a perfect song for people like me).
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